Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
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I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
kitchen magnet
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
I think nervous flatulence would be helpful if you were ever kidnapped
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch