ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
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I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree