I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
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Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
This is the best one I’ve seen
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
I’m not stressed
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.