You Might Also Like
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm