Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
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Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.