HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
You Might Also Like
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.