museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
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People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
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Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident