can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
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Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud