Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
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a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.