I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
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The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
How to draw a duck
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
my nickname in college
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.