Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
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Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath