3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
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ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.