Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
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sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?