Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
You Might Also Like
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.