Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
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Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
🦝🔥🦝🔥
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.