Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
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“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
Encore…
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.