Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
You Might Also Like
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
I love wikipedia
“what that mouth do?” complain
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)