i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
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Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*