When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
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Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
This woman is my idol. Free her.
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Can’t. Being lazy.
This came to me in a dream.
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
I wish all tests were things you peed on
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.