Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
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please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
the Monday after daylight savings
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.