My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
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The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again