Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
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Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
“The Perfect Relationship”
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner