[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
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1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
My chiropractor is a crack addict.