wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
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Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar