Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
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oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
LOOOOOOL
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.