Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
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Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
i spent way too long on this
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.