HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
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I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
Sometimes? I’m slipping
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.