Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
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Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
just gave your address to some spiders
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping