*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
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Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
My background check bounced.
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
Squirrels before girls.
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it