I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
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Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
Lmao
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You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
i guess his teacher was really pissed
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.