I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
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What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
In your 20’s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40’s you hope you don’t fall in the yard when nobody’s home.
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
Whisper out to librarians!
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again