My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
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Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
Childbirth is so beautiful
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing