I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
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dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
#have a #great #PancakeDay
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.