No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
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me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
Fidel Castro was alive?
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.