Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
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200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?