Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
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Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
I am never leaving this website
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
Really shocked to hear about the dead worm. I didn’t even know it was sick.
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games