*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
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Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.