Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
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90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.