Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
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When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
Bartenders are just boneless bars
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”