Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
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Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
Stick it to the man
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
Hell yeah 👍
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
100% of divorces begin with marriage.