ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
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you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?