I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
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I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.