Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
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You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
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[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??