Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
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I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
lost dog
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings