If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
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Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips