I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
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I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
What
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”