“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
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Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”