People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
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I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
Salad is the decaf of food.
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”