It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
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WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
In the 1970s my father stole a piece of an Irish castle. Mum was horrified and hid the column under the bed. Forty years later, to the great pleasure of the castle museum curator, she returned it. After she died, we found pictures showing she returned it to the wrong castle.
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off