cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
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Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
christening a ship with an overripe banana
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
Awwwww shit.
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.